I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
