She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
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