Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
