my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Randomize
