Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
