Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
