The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I just gift wrapped bread.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
did i just pee glitter
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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