Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
