God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
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Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
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I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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