Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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