Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
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I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
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My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
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