I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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