Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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