Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
