The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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