after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
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