When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Randomize
