Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
