Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
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