I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
ok first of all what the fuck
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
