3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Who wears a wallet chain?!
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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