how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
