even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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