theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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