First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
