New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
