Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
