I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
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