She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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