I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
