I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
