his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
