I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
