I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Randomize
