There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
