my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
