some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
