The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
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