I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
