I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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