I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Randomize
