You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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