you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
