I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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