The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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