I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
