i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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