I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Can you bring me the toilet please
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
