I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Who died my cat blue again?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
