Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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