I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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