my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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