There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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