her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
sex in a hospital.. check
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Randomize
