Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
