"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
