Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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