totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
