I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
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i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
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I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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