Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
